alone

Monday, we buried Mom and Dad together, according to their wishes, in the National Cemetery. Then we celebrated Dad's life in a memorial service, including a beautiful speech written by my uncle. Afterwards, we welcomed friends and family into my father's house and enjoyed some delicious local barbecue (Dad would have loved that) and sat around telling stories about him for the rest of the day. The scary thing is that even among my closest friends and family, I have never felt so alone in my life. I can't begin to express my grief as I said goodbye to my parents. Sudden flashbacks of random memories send me reeling and I don't know how to regain my footing.

By yesterday, the last of the out-of-town family had left, my sister, who is acting as the executor of Dad's estate, was exhausted from running from one county office to another and went home to finally sleep in her own bed, and I had the whole house to myself. I confess that I don't have a lot of emotional attachment to the house beyond the grief of knowing all the plans Dad had for it and how much he looked forward to pottering around his own land again, but last night was the first time I found myself really alone for over two weeks. I did my best to not think about anything at all, and pretty much succeeded, thanks to a marathon of Project Runway and a couple of nighttime sleeping tablets.

Today I started the heart wrenching project of inventorying Dad's possessions. I must not have been thinking very clearly when I decided to start in his bedroom, but every room has things inside that have things that are going to jump out and bite me. Maybe I got the worst over with first. There is just so much work to do that I don't even know when I'll be able to go home.

I have two really lovely things to look forward to right now. Tomorrow I'm going away for the weekend to my old stomping grounds. Even better, Steph will be here next Wednesday, to spend his Fall school break with me. Maybe when he gets here, I'll finally allow myself to fall apart for a day or two.

Thanks again to all of you for your lovely condolences and wishes in my comments box. I may not be posting very much these days but your comments do brighten my day when I sit down to relax in front of the computer.