ups and downs

Last week I had a little taste of getting back to normal. Thanks to the fact that Steph was in the middle of his formation cycle, when he's gone all day during the week, I didnt have to race in the mornings to get a hot meal on the table at precisely 12:15, when he usually walks in the door for his 45 minute lunch break from school. Instead I was able to move a little leisurely and eat a small lunch when I wanted, while attacking mountains of laundry my husband thoughtfully left for me so I'd have something to do (le sigh). I also got most of my new belongings put away and ran a few errands around town with my big French basket in tow. I felt like I was getting my legs back and enjoyed my little trips to the grocery or to the Mairie and at one point I even illicited a smile from the lady at the poissonerie as I passed. My idyllic dream of living in the French countryside was slowly but surely coming back to me.

Then I got an email last night from some close friends of the family who had been next to unreachable the last month and a half, and because of the lack of contact, they wanted to know how Dad was doing. At first I put it off, deciding to reply in the morning. I walked away from the computer and found myself unable to stop thinking about the reply. I came back to the computer and opened up my email and walked away again. Finally, knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep until I put this behind me, I sat down at the computer and composed the hardest email in my life. I know I probably should have called, but the idea of actually telling the story again was too much. I hope they'll forgive me for telling them by email.

For two months after Mom died last year, my mind replayed the day that she died over and over again, like a cruel movie loop. I haven't had that experience too much since Dad died, but last night, after writing that email, I was back in that mindset. Our brains play cruel tricks on us sometimes. I guess it's just a part of that roller coaster I'm on right now.

This week I have some fun things to look forward to, plus I'll be diving back into my bookbinding, and then there's the usual grind of day-to-day living that we all have to look forward to. Here's hoping the roller coaster will be straightening itself soon, or at least give me a little more time between the loopty-loops.